I didn't think it was hard...

May 3, 2010 (Monday)

Can you actually feel sad for losing something that you haven't actually had to begin with?

I, believe it or not, am sad. I never knew that losing something, in this case, an actual baby, hurt that much. I knew about this since three weeks ago, but I never wrote about it. Why did I not writer about it? Probably for two reasons: one, I was still hoping that the second ultra sound would come out better than the first and two, I wasn't really in the mood for writing in this blog or any of our blogs. I wasn't even in the mood for doing anything.

First Ultrasound
I was really excited to see my baby at 6 weeks. I read that you would actually see your baby already... well, shadows of your baby at this early stage. My OB calls is the baby pole. Whatever that pole was, we were excited to see it. We woke up early to get in line at the Women's health section of Medical City. The department opens at 8am and we were there at exactly 8am. My plan was to have this checked then go to office in the afternoon.

I was the second girl to enter one of the rooms. I liked the rooms in Medical city, since the rooms where they do the scan were very spacious and not divided by curtains, but by actual walls. The girl who did my scan was very gracious. I haven't had any transvaginal ultra sound scans before. When she was looking at the monitor, she was squinting. I knew that there was something wrong. She asked me if I experienced any bleeding. I said "no". She called a senior consultant to show her the monitor and this elderly woman walked in. She looked at the scan and said to me, "hmmm, we see a sac but there is no baby". I immediately answered, "so is that bad?". She replied "it's best to have your OB explain. I think you better ask her right away". While I changed in the room, the elderly woman said to the younger one, "I think i better write a paper on the increasing cases of early miscarriages." That made me panic! I knew that there was definitely something wrong. EJ and I waited for an hour to get the results then we rushed to Makati Med to consult with Dra. Aherrera. She said that she wanted me to take another ultrasound after a week. She said that normally, by the 6th week, there should be a hint of the baby already in the picture and this wasn't good. I was crying in front of her. I really felt bad. I never knew it would affect me that much.

Second ultra sound
My second ultra sound was done at St. Luke's. We wanted to have it in a different hospital so that we would have an unbiased second opinion. We were there early again. By this time, my family knew everything already and even some friends. It was easier to accept already and I already psyched myself to bear whatever result. St. Luke's people were more pleasant than those in Medical city (based on my experience). They were all smiling and gentle. Again, the lady looking at my scans was squinting and again the same question, "have you ever experienced spotting or bleeding?". Again, i answered "no". The results came out after and hour and again, no baby. The results indicated to try another scan after a week.

I am actually not hoping anymore. Tomorrow will be my last ultra sound and if there will be no baby again, i will have to undergo D&C (Dilation and Curettage : americanpregnancy.org). So, this is actually what had happened. I'm on my 9th week (supposedly), but still no baby.

They say it's better to cry it all out and i'll feel better. I'll try to do that.